The Myth of Manipulative Kids: Why It’s Really a Call for Safety & Connection
- Fionna .
- Jun 4
- 5 min read
"My child isn’t being manipulative — they’re calling for safety. They’re calling for connection."
How often have you heard this?
“That child is so manipulative.”
“She knows exactly how to get what she wants.”
“Don’t give in - you’re making a rod for your own back.”
“You need to teach them who’s boss.”
If you’re a parent - or even if you’ve spent five minutes in a parenting group online — you’ve likely come across some version of this message.
And maybe... like me... you’ve even caught yourself thinking it at times.
But here’s the thing: this belief that kids are “manipulating” us is one of the biggest misunderstandings in modern parenting and one of the most damaging.
And today, I want to offer a new lens. A more compassionate, more nervous system-informed way to understand what’s really going on beneath those big behaviours.
Parenting is Deep Self-Reflection
I still remember this moment like it just happened. I was about two weeks postpartum, still sore from a C-section, trying juggle being a sole parent, puppy mom and cognitive human being.
I often say: parenting is one of the deepest self-reflection practices there is.
Because let’s be honest... our kids are little mirrors.
They reflect:
our patterns
our nervous system state
our unresolved stuff
our triggers
And because we love them so fiercely, it hurts when we see them struggling.It’s uncomfortable when they melt down.It’s confronting when they push our buttons.
But that’s also the opportunity.
Parenting invites us, daily to become more aware of our own inner world, and how that shapes the way we respond to our children.
And few things bring up that inner world faster than watching a child in full “acting out” mode in the middle of the supermarket or Cafe. 🙃
Why Does the “Manipulative Child” Myth Exist?
This myth didn’t come from nowhere. It’s deeply baked into our culture.
For generations, Western parenting has prized:
Obedience (“good” child = compliant child)
Independence (the faster the better)
Emotional suppression (quiet, controlled, not “too much”)
Parent in control (the more in control, the better the parent)
And when a child shows BIG feelings, or challenges those ideals — it triggers old beliefs:
“They’re trying to control me.”
“They know what they’re doing.”
“They’re testing me.”
“They’ll take advantage if I don’t stop this.”
Often this is exactly what many of us were raised hearing:
“You’re just trying to get attention.”
“Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”
“Don’t let them walk all over you.”
It’s generational.It’s cultural.And unless we choose to examine it - it runs on autopilot.
What’s Actually Happening Beneath the Behaviour?
Here’s what I wish every parent knew:
Young children are not developmentally capable of the kind of calculated manipulation we often accuse them of.
Their prefrontal cortex - the part of the brain responsible for executive function, planning, strategy - is still in development.
Their nervous system is still wiring.Their sense of self is still forming.
What they are highly attuned to is survival - and for children, survival depends on connection with their caregivers.
When a child “acts out” - tantrums, defies, clings, withdraws - they are usually:
Dysregulated
Overwhelmed
Tired
Hungry
Sensory overloaded
Disconnected
Needing co-regulation
Seeking felt safety
This is not manipulation.This is a nervous system cry for help.
The Role of the Nervous System
Let’s go a little deeper here - because understanding the nervous system changes everything.
Our nervous system is constantly scanning our environment for cues of safety or danger (a process called neuroception).
When we feel safe, we can access:
Emotional regulation
Curiosity
Play
Learning
Rest & digestion
When we feel unsafe..... even momentarily, the nervous system shifts into survival states:
Fight — tantrums, hitting, yelling
Flight — running away, hyperactivity
Freeze — shutting down, withdrawing
Fawn — people-pleasing, over-compliance
For a young child, "unsafe" can mean:
Disconnection from a caregiver
Overstimulation
Unmet basic needs (hunger, fatigue)
Change in routine
Caregiver stress they’re picking up on
In these moments, what we label as “manipulative” is actually a child’s nervous system saying: “I don’t feel safe. I need you.”
Co-Regulation: The Heart of Parenting
Here’s the part that humbles us all:
Children learn to regulate their nervous system through us - through co-regulation.
They can’t do it alone yet.They rely on our nervous system state to anchor them.
When we respond to their distress with punishment, shame, or disconnection - it leaves them stranded in dysregulation.
But when we respond with connection, curiosity, and presence - we offer them the safety their nervous system craves.
Why Labels Like “Manipulative” Are Harmful
When we label a child as “manipulative” and respond harshly, here’s what happens:
Their core need goes unmet.
They may internalise shame: “I’m bad for needing connection.”
They may suppress needs to avoid rejection.
They may disconnect from their body’s signals.
Over time, this contributes to:
People-pleasing patterns
Difficulty setting boundaries
Low self-worth
Anxiety around expressing needs
In other words....... the very patterns many of us are now trying to heal in adulthood.
“My Child Isn’t Giving Me a Hard Time.... They’re Having a Hard Time.”
Here’s one of the simplest and most powerful reframes I use:
“My child isn’t giving me a hard time — they’re having a hard time.”
It shifts me instantly from:
“They’re testing me.” ➔. “They’re dysregulated and need support.”
When I remember this, I can:
Pause and check my own state
Regulate myself first
Offer connection, not correction
Validate their feelings while holding boundaries
Support them back to regulation
Practical Ways to Shift the Lens
If this has left you with questions........here are some simple ways to start shifting your parenting lens:
🌿 Check your own nervous system first - Am I grounded enough to co-regulate? If not... pause, breathe, anchor yourself.
🌿 Get curious about behaviour - What unmet need might this behaviour be signalling?
🌿 Validate before correcting - “I can see you’re feeling really upset right now. I’m here.”
🌿 Prioritise connection - Sometimes the fastest way through a meltdown is through, with presence and attunement.
🌿 Repair when needed.We all lose it sometimes. Modelling repair teaches your child they’re safe even when rupture happens.
The Parenting Reframe We All Need
At the end of the day, this isn’t about permissiveness (or loosing the fight in defeat). It’s not about ignoring behaviour.
It’s about understanding the human beneath the behaviour. It’s about seeing the nervous system beneath the behaviour. It’s about responding with curiosity and compassion.
And it’s about giving ourselves the grace to grow, alongside our children.
One Final Note
If you’d love some practical tools to support your own nervous system, especially on those tough parenting days, my Chill Out Course is a beautiful place to start.
It’s full of simple, everyday strategies to help you build more calm, resilience, and connection, for yourself, and for your family.
Remember:You know your child best.You know your family best.
Take what you need, leave what you don’t.
And most of all, keep calm, keep curious, keep connected..... especially with your child 💛
With love,
Fionna x
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