The Cost of Saying Yes When You Really Want to Say No
- Fionna .
- Jun 16
- 5 min read
Have you ever said yes when everything inside of you...... your gut, your body, your intuition was screaming no?
I have. And recently, I almost did it again.
This time, it wasn’t to a job or a task or a coffee you didn’t want to go to. It was something bigger. It was someone asking for refuge. Real, emotional, physical refuge.
Someone reached out to me, asking if they could stay at my house while navigating a domestic violence situation.
My first response..... the immediate, unfiltered one...... was clear.....
Absolutely not.
It wasn’t loud or dramatic. It was silent. Quiet. And completely firm.
But barely a moment later, the override began. My mind started racing.
“She needs help. What if that was me?”
“Wouldn’t I want someone to offer grace?”
“Maybe this is a way to support another woman… and maybe there’s even a business connection here…”
Yep. My intellectual brain, the part of me that always kicks in to justify, reframe, rescue and tries to convince me to ignore what I already know to be true.
When Kindness Becomes a Mask
The urge to help didn’t come from malice. It came from conditioning.
I was raised, like many women.... to be kind, generous, accommodating.
To be the helper. The listener. The one who can hold space for others, even when I’m running on empty. It’s baked into my nervous system.
And that’s what made this moment so complicated. Because helping can be beautiful. But sometimes, helping is actually bypassing. Sometimes, helping is a mask.
It lets us avoid our own discomfort by rushing to fix someone else’s.
In this case, my desire to say yes wasn’t just about compassion. It was about:
Avoiding the discomfort of sitting in someone else’s trauma
Scarcity thinking (“what if I’m ever in that situation?”)
Ego validation (“she asked me because she sees me as someone special”)
People-pleasing (“I don’t want to let her down”)
And honestly… a little networking greed (“maybe this could benefit us both”)
The Real Cost of Saying Yes
If I had said yes, I would have been betraying one of my most sacred values:Keeping my family safe.
My home is a sanctuary. It’s where my child flourishes. Where I reconnect to my peace. Where my nervous system can breathe.
And bringing someone into that space.... no matter how urgent their needs.... without full alignment, would have fractured that peace.
The cost wouldn’t have just been emotional. It would have been energetic, physical, spiritual. I would have paid for that yes with resentment, tension, and guilt. I would have lost trust with myself.
And that’s the thing about self-betrayal.... it’s rarely loud. It’s subtle. It’s “just this once.” It’s “don’t make a fuss.” It’s “this is what good people do.”
The Power of the Pause
What saved me was the pause.
I didn’t say yes. I didn’t say no. I said, “Let me call you back.”That simple act, of not committing in the moment .... gave me the space to regulate my nervous system and get radically honest with myself.
And in that pause, I was able to name all the stories swirling in my head:
“You’re not being compassionate enough.”
“She might judge you.”
“You’ll miss an opportunity.”
“You’re letting her down.”
But I could also hear the deeper voice.... my intuitive self..... quietly holding the line:
“This is not your role. You are not her lifeline. She is her own.”
Boundaries Are Self-Honour, Not Rejection
When I finally responded to her, I was compassionate but clear.
And yes, she pushed. Offers of money, childcare, housework..... all the things that would relieve a solo parent like me.... were laid out like shiny carrots.
But I stayed anchored in my values: peace, safety, and authenticity.
I didn't need to justify. I didn’t need to make her feel better. I simply needed to honour the boundary that was already there.
Boundaries don’t always feel good in the moment. Sometimes they leave you with a slightly bruised ego, a bit of doubt, or even shame.
But here’s what I’ve learned:The discomfort of honouring a boundary is far lighter than the cost of abandoning yourself.
The Role of the Nervous System
This whole experience reminded me.... again...... of why nervous system work is essential.
If I hadn't had the tools to regulate myself in that moment…If I hadn’t learned how to pause, breathe, notice, and choose…I would have defaulted to my old pattern: say yes, take on the emotional load, and resent it later.
That’s why I created the Chill Out Foundations course. It’s a toolkit for moments exactly like this. When your system is flooded, your mind is spiraling, and you need to come back to your centre.It teaches you how to regulate before you respond... so your choices come from alignment, not activation.
Radical Honesty as a Way of Life
This experience wasn’t just about one request. It was about a pattern I’ve played out for decades.Saying yes when I wanted to say no.Saying yes because I felt “chosen.”Saying yes to avoid discomfort.
But that’s not integrity. That’s not alignment. That’s self-abandonment wrapped in good intentions.
True alignment comes from asking hard questions:
What is the real reason I’m saying yes?
What’s the hidden payoff?
Am I chasing validation, or acting from my values?
And most importantly:If everything were abundant - time, money, energy - would I still want to say yes?
In this case, even with every resource available, my answer would still be no.
Your Turn: A Gentle Invitation
I want to leave you with a few questions to sit with — no judgment, just reflection:
✨ Where in your life are you saying yes when you really want to say no?
✨ What masks (rescuer, helper, performer) might be at play?
✨ Can you pause before answering, and reconnect to your values?
✨ What is your nervous system asking for in those moments?
It’s not about always getting it perfect. It’s about building the muscle... slowly, lovingly... to stay in relationship with your truth.
And sometimes that truth will feel uncomfortable. But it will also feel like freedom.
Final Thoughts
If this story resonated, I invite you to screenshot this post, share your reflections, or send me a message, I’d love to hear what came up for you.
Because this isn’t just about saying no.It’s about coming home to the part of you that already knows.
The part that’s been waiting for you to listen.The part that no longer needs to prove your goodness by abandoning yourself.
Here’s to saying yes to your values and no to anything that costs your peace.
Until next time, stay calm, stay curious, and stay connected.
💛
With love,
Fionna x
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