Postnatal Depression? It Might Be Unfed Values

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When I became a mother, I thought the hardest part would be the sleep deprivation.

And yes.... it was brutal. But what I didn’t expect was the emotional weight I carried trying to prove I was “doing it right.”

I didn’t expect to feel so lost.

Like I had left someone important behind.

And that someone was me.

This is the third piece in my postnatal depression series, and today, I want to explore how much of what we call “postnatal depression” might actually be the ache of living out of alignment with our values.

And how reconnecting with those values isn’t just healing, it’s what brings us back home to ourselves.

The Day I Picked Up Dog Poo and Nearly Fell Apart

I still remember this moment like it just happened. I was about two weeks postpartum, still sore from a C-section, trying juggle being a sole parent, puppy mom and cognitive human being.

My baby was crying, inconsolable. My dog did a poo. I was hobbling, exhausted, bleeding, and trying not to scream every time my uterus cramped or my baby latched badly (it felt like he had retractable fangs).

I was searching for a quiet spot to feed him, somewhere I could figure it out without an audience… and instead, I was bending over to pick up the dog poo as passersby stared at me, while my baby screamed.

And I thought “They must think I’m a terrible mother.”

But the real kicker? I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how to soothe him yet. I didn’t feel confident to breastfeed in public. And yet, I was prioritizing how I looked over how I felt. 

Over what my baby needed.

Over what I needed.

That moment stuck with me, because it showed me how much I was still trying to prove myself, perform motherhood, and protect my image… instead of parenting from a place of alignment and truth.

When Diagnosis Misses the Deeper Truth

Like many new mothers, I was told I might have postnatal depression. And yes, I felt low. I felt disconnected. I felt like I was failing.... and this term just punched in the failing even harder.

But the more I explored this with my therapist, the more I realized something deeper was going on.

I wasn’t broken.

I was just deeply out of sync with myself.

I had built an entire identity around being capable, high-functioning, and composed, and motherhood..... well it was the opposite to ALLLLLLL of that.

Suddenly, I wasn’t ticking the boxes.

I wasn’t thriving off my usual self-care.

I couldn’t juice fast or journal or hit the beach whenever I needed to reset.

And I hadn’t yet created a version of motherhood that was mine.

What I was experiencing wasn’t just depression. It was a disconnection from my values. And that disconnection made everything feel foggy, heavy, and unfulfilling.:

Why Values Matter More Than You Think

Let’s back up. What do I mean by “values”?

I mean the things that matter most to you. Not because someone told you they should, but because when you live them, you feel alive. You feel peaceful. You feel you.

When I finally sat down with a values list (yep, there are worksheets for this stuff), I realized that my core values were:

• Connection

• Freedom

• Fulfillment

Previously I might’ve said “authenticity” or “health” or “success.” But those were often inherited from other people, not felt in my bones.

And here’s the thing..... motherhood had pulled me away from all three.

• I didn’t feel connected - to myself, my baby, or my body.

• I didn’t feel free - I was trapped in comparison, obligation, and shoulds.

• I didn’t feel fulfilled - because I was performing, not parenting in a way that lit me up.

It made sense that I felt empty. Because my values weren’t being fed.

Healing Isn’t Always About Fixing....... It’s About Feeding

Once I became aware of this, everything changed.

I wasn’t trying to fix myself anymore. I was trying to fuel myself.

I began asking: how can I bring more connection into my day? What makes me feel free again — even in small ways? What brings me joy or meaning?

Here’s what that looked like for me:

• I set up a co-sleeping arrangement that helped me feel rested and close to my baby.

• I dropped the pressure to be productive and allowed myself to nap beside him.

• I prioritized eye contact, presence, singing, water and regulating my nervous system, rather than ticking parenting boxes.

None of this looked like “Instagram-worthy” motherhood. But it felt deeply nourishing. For both of us.

And as I began feeding those values, my fog started to lift. I didn’t feel like a stranger to myself anymore. I could hear my inner voice again, and that helped me parent from a place of truth, not performance.

The 4 A’s That Guide Me (And Can Guide You)

If you’ve worked with me, you’ve heard this before — the 4 A’s:

1. Awareness – noticing what’s going on and what’s not working.

2. Architect – designing something new based on what you want or need.

3. Action – taking a step toward that.

4. Assess – pausing, reflecting, adjusting.

   
   

This cycle isn’t just for business or goals, it’s how we evolve in motherhood too.

I had the awareness that I felt fake and flat.

I started architecting a version of motherhood that felt more “me.”

I took action, co-sleeping, resting, and showing up differently.

And I kept assessing. What’s working? What’s not? What do I need next?

If You’re Feeling Lost, Try This

Here’s what I recommend, mama:

1. Grab a values list. (There are tons online. I’ll link one soon.)

2. Circle the words that light you up. Ignore the ones that feel flat or like someone else’s idea.

3. Pick your top 3. These are your anchors.

4. Ask yourself: How can I feed these today? Even in a tiny way. A deep breath. A walk. A boundary. A moment of presence.

   
   

This isn’t about fixing your whole life. It’s about finding a thread that brings you back to yourself.

Because when your values are fed, you’ll feel more connected, calm, and capable, without needing to tick a single box.

You’re Not Broken...... You’re Becoming

Postnatal depression isn’t just about hormones.

Sometimes, it’s about losing sight of yourself in the noise of new motherhood, and the deep grief that comes with that.

Sometimes, it’s about not knowing what you value, because you’ve been following someone else’s rulebook.

And sometimes, healing starts when you stop striving… and start listening.

To your needs.To your body.To your heart.To your baby.

And then slowly, gently, reorienting your world around what actually matters to you.

That’s the kind of motherhood that heals. That’s the kind of woman your baby learns from, not perfect, but grounded, alive, and in tune with herself.

If this landed with you, and you want more support…

✨ Check out my Chill Out Nervous System Course — a foundations course to help you understand your body and shift into calm.

📅 Or try the 14-Day Self-Trust Challenge — where we gently explore values, build trust, and take small daily steps back to you.

And if you’re more of a movement-and-mind kind of mama, join me for an upcoming yoga workshop, either in person or online. I'd love to see you there.

You are doing better than you think. Keep going.

With love,

Fionna x

Keep calm, keep curious, and stay connected.