Postnatal Depression: A Sign That Your Nervous System Needs Support
- Fionna .
- May 14
- 5 min read
When you’re pregnant, people throw words at you like miracle, blessing, and joy. And yes, those things can be deeply true.
But what rarely gets talked about is this:You can hold a beautiful baby in your arms and still feel completely lost inside.
You might be doing all the “right” things.....feeding, bathing, reading, researching but still feel disconnected, exhausted, or like something’s off. And if that’s you right now, I want you to know this:
You’re not broken. You’re not failing.You’re likely just living inside a nervous system that’s crying out for support.
When the Research Stops Working
If you’re anything like me, you probably dove into motherhood with your research hat on. You read about swaddling, sleep cycles, developmental leaps, the best nappy creams, and how to boost milk supply with fenugreek (don't forget about the "boobie bickies" with nutritional yeast!).
But eventually, all that knowledge didn’t give you what you were really looking for: peace.
That’s what happened to me. I was doing it all. The organic baby sheets. The low-tox products. The white noise, the routines, the leap apps. And still, something felt…off.
I wasn’t feeling connected. Not to my baby. Not to myself. Not even to the joy I’d been promised (Where did I put that brochure "so you want to be a mom"!!).
And if that resonates with you, let me offer a gentle reframe:
That feeling isn’t failure it’s a signal from your nervous system.
Why Perfectionism Doesn’t Bring Peace
Many of us enter motherhood with perfectionism sitting quietly in the passenger seat.We think: If I just do it all right, I’ll feel okay. The baby will sleep. I’ll feel confident.But perfectionism is often just hypervigilance in disguise.
When your nervous system is in a state of constant activation—fight, flight, or freeze—it’s incredibly hard to feel calm, clear, or connected.And in early motherhood? That activation is everywhere:
You're monitoring cries like a security scanner
You’re Googling every rash, feeding pattern, and sleepless night
You’re comparing yourself to other mums on Instagram who seem to be glowing with joy and gratitude
And then the self-doubt creeps in:
“Why don’t I feel like that?”“What’s wrong with me?”“I should be happier…”
But what if there’s nothing wrong with you?What if it’s just that your nervous system is maxed out—and no one ever taught you how to bring it back to safety?
Enter: The Nervous System
Most of us learned about the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system at some point—fight-or-flight vs rest-and-digest. But the Polyvagal Theory adds a third state that explains a lot about motherhood: the freeze state.
Here’s a breakdown of the three core nervous system states:
🧠 Ventral Vagal (Safety & Connection): You feel calm, connected, grounded, and capable.
⚡️ Sympathetic (Fight or Flight): You feel anxious, agitated, overactive, snappy, or overstimulated.
❄️ Dorsal Vagal (Freeze/Shutdown): You feel numb, flat, checked out, or disconnected.
When your baby is unsettled, your body likely responds instantly—maybe your chest tightens, your breath shortens, your thoughts start racing. That’s not “just stress.” That’s your nervous system leaving its window of tolerance.
And your baby feels it, too.
Because here’s the big truth that changed everything for me:Your baby doesn’t co-regulate with your routine. They co-regulate with your nervous system.
Presence > Perfection
My therapist once said to me, “Your job isn’t to do everything. Your job is to help your baby feel safe in the world.”
That cracked me open.
Because I was doing everything.Except being.
Being present.
Being grounded.
Being available emotionally....not just physically.
But how could I be those things when I was exhausted, overstimulated, and constantly second-guessing myself?
That’s when I started looking into nervous system regulation, not just for trauma healing, but as a daily motherhood practice. And let me tell you, it changed everything.
How to Support Your Nervous System (Without Adding More to Your Plate)
This isn’t about more doing. This is about tuning in.
Here are a few gentle practices that helped me return to presence...so I could regulate myself, and in turn, co-regulate with my baby:
1. Anchoring Touch
Place one hand on your chest and one on your belly. Feel the rise and fall of your breath. This brings your attention back to your body and helps settle your vagus nerve.
2. Extended Exhales
Breathe in for 4, out for 6. This slows the heart rate and signals safety to your nervous system.
3. Drop the “Shoulds”
Social media isn’t your boss. If sleep training doesn’t work, or your baby only settles in your arms—that’s okay. You are allowed to parent in a way that works for your nervous system and your baby’s.
4. Your Presence is Enough
Even if you’re not smiling. Even if your house is messy. Even if you feel disconnected.You showing up—tired, imperfect, and trying—is enough.
A New Kind of Research
I say this as a self-confessed research junkie: The best data I ever got didn’t come from a Google search.
It came from noticing:
When I felt calm
When my baby softened in my arms
When our bodies synced like a quiet conversation
That’s the research that matters. The kind that comes from within, not a browser.
In Case No One Told You Today…
You are not failing.
You’re not too sensitive, too tired, too messy, too disconnected.
You’re becoming.
You’re adjusting.
You’re surviving.
And underneath all that, you are deeply wired for love, connection, and intuition.
If you don’t feel bonded with your baby, it doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It likely means your body is still learning how to feel safe again.
Let’s normalize that.Let’s talk about nervous system support like we talk about nappy changes and tummy time.
Let’s stop pretending motherhood should feel magical when your body is still healing from childbirth and your mind is trying to reassemble who you are.
You’re not broken.You’re not missing something.You’re just being asked by your body, your soul, and your baby......to slow down, soften, and settle.
Ready to Learn More?
If this resonates with you, I created a course called The Chill Out Foundations to teach the foundations of nervous system regulation, designed for women like you:
Mothers. Givers. Feelers. Leaders.
🎧 Listen to the full episode: The Filosophy Podcast – Episode 8
💻 Want to go deeper? Explore the Chill Out Course
📌 Save this post to revisit when you need a reminder that your calmed nervous system is what your baby needs
With love,
Fionna
Keep calm, keep curious, and stay connected.
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